Koh Jum, D44-47: Oon Lee

There are a bunch of islands and beaches to see in southern Thailand. Among them, Koh Jum is promoted for it's seclusion and untouched beauty. We've heard this before, but this truly looked like a private oasis. At the ferry terminal, there were pictures of the islands- Phi Phi with bustling streets and bungalows, Koh Lanta with private villas lining the bays, and then there was a picture of "Koh Jum"... a terribly pixilated picture of a rock. A rock. They maybe should have said "Picture coming soon?"

The ticket to Koh Jum costs the same as the ticket to Koh Lanta, though Koh Jum is the halfway point. We're told the ferry leaves at 11AM, but they don't board us until 12PM, and then we don't leave until 12:30PM. We're on the ferry a little over an hour when we stop. Everyone who is headed to Koh Jum is called to the top of the deck.


Koh Jum is too undeveloped to have it's own pier, so each individual hotel sends a longtail to get their guests. We're in the middle of the ocean and we have to jump to the smaller boats for the next leg of the trip. The OonLee longtail is waiting for us, and we climb from boat to boat to get to it. It's a five minute ride to shore. The men on the boat tells us to leave our bags and head upstairs to the restaurant/reception area. Here we are greeted by Valerie, who gives us a cold towel and apple juice.

OonLee: http://kohjumoonleebungalows.com

Valerie, former last name Lee, is French and owns the villas with her husband, Oon, hence OonLee. Valerie has a thick French accent but speaks perfect English and Thai. She tells us which room we're staying in for the first night, and says she'll give us the lowdown about the island once we're settled in. We head up to our room to find our bags waiting for us. It should be noted that the steps are very steep to get to the villas, so the workers take our bags. Since we booked last minute, we needed to move villas each of the three days. The men took our things for us every time. (Loved this!)

Each villa is very unique so it was nice to get a sample of all the rooms. There are no keys to the villas but each room has a lockbox for valuables. OonLee is so secluded that theft isn't an issue. Every night we leave our doors open, rocked to sleep by the sounds of the jungle (while safely under a mosquito net).

Here are the three villas we stayed in, "Family", "B2" and "Rompo", all built by master carpenter Oon:
 

We shower and change and head to the restaurant once more. Valerie is waiting for us with a map of the island and information about getting around and using her services. I think I hear her call me Susie but I'm not sure. Then I'm pretty sure I hear her call me Susie. By the third time, I'm named Susie, and that's too many Susies to correct her.

After the briefing, we eat the first of many amazing meals. It turns out Oon is also a master chef, and he has invented Thai-French Fusion to die for. Furthermore, they just add the bill to your tab. Completely seamless.

We only have three days on Koh Jum, and that's more than enough. There is not a lot to do besides relax. There is one trek available to the top of Mount Pu (lol), but it's a mere hour ascent and we can't go on our own. Thailand has made it illegal to go into national forests without a guide. It would have cost us $100USD to pay a guide to go on the two-hour hike, so we skipped it.

Instead we walked from OonLee, which is at one end of the island, across the beaches to the other end. There's no easy way to do this. You must either traverse slippery coral or walk a trail farther into the jungle. On the coral my sandals break. The sandal graveyard we come upon shows me this is not a unique experience.

We get to the rocky jungle road and we hail a taxi. We ask to go to the other end of the beach so we can walk back. Valerie already told us that the price is 50 Baht per person no matter the length of the ride. He tries to get us to pay 100 each, but mama didn't raise no sucker!

The beaches are nice at the south end, but nothing too noteworthy. We walk an hour until the sun sets. We go to a restaurant and ask them to call us a cab. The "taxi" that comes is a motorcycle with a rickety steel gazebo welded onto the side, and for 200 Baht (no negotiating this) he will take us. Well... he’ll try.

It’s crazy dark all of the sudden, and homeboy's headlights tinker on and off. At first we’re cruising on a sand/gravel mixed road. It’s not concrete but its smooth enough. Then we get to the very hilly, very rocky area of the road. Valerie had already told us that no taxi service goes as far as her road, so to be prepared to hike at night. This taxi driver was a champ, though, and was determined to get us home. 

Said driver makes us sit in strategic areas in the cart to balance the weight- Ian in the middle back and me on the front left corner. When we passed other motos he had to go so far to the left (you drive on the left here) that jungle bushes were sweeping my back. I kept thinking about all the jungle snakes that we had learned about in Bangkok, and I expressed my terror to Ian by letting out short little maniacal laughs. The jungle trees stop brushing my back and I lean back, relieved... until I turn and see nothing but the ocean, and realize I'm looking down from the sheer edge of a fifty-foot cliff. Then I missed the jungle leaves brushing my back.

It was much like the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, only the obstacles were real! At a few points, we were going uphill and it was clearly too steep for the motorcycle to take us with all our weight. We would try to rock our hips forward, giddyup-horsey style, to get momentum, but alas the driver had to pull over. In so many words he told Ian to get out and push! This happened a few times and even I had to get out to help (stepping shoeless in the jungle leaves, Lord help me)! Also, every time we stopped for a few seconds for Ian to pop out, a SWARM of bugs came for the motorcycle's headlights. In five seconds I could look down and see ten tropical monsters flocking my chest and arms. I was like GO! GO! GOOOOOO!

I'm just trying to hold it together. The driver kept looking at me and asking if I was OK. "Heh, Yeah, I'm OK! Haha!" We made it, and we vowed not to leave at night ever again.

The next two days we kayak to sandier beaches. Like in Ton Sai, the tide dictated the time at which we could have fun. It was frustrating to get to a beach where there was no sand or all rocks. The five feet of sand in the picture below was gone in 30 minutes: 

Chillin by the bay with the tide out

As much as I enjoyed our relaxing time in Koh Jum, I would not recommend staying here. There are much better beaches in Thailand, and a single traveler especially would be disappointed with the lack of things to do. It's for honeymooners. However, if you want a private oasis and you truly need to relax, stay at the OonLee. They were wonderful, the bungalows were gorgeous and the food was perfect.

Pulling away from OonLee:

Ton Sai, D41-43: Rock Climbing, Lookout Point & Bioluminecent Swim

In all the guidebooks and information online, we see that Ton Sai is a world leader in rock-climbing. I'm pretty sore from kayaking but I want to look like Hot God, so we sign up. We chose Basecamp Rock Climbing for lessons because we read good things online about them.

I sign up for this class:

Ian signs up for this:

We meet at the Basecamp Rockclimbing platform at 8:30AM. We’re fitted with a harness and shoes, and we wait for the others to trickle in. We get no briefing of what to expect for the day, we’re merely counted and sent to the shore to… take a boat? Everyone is surprised because Ton Sai is known for its courses, but we're apparently going to another beach. We load into the longtail and hear that more people will join us. (We are forever waiting for more people to join us on transportation.) They arrive and we head off.

We’re not told where we’re going. Everyone is equally confused and quiet. I try to judge who the beginners are, and I start to think I’m the only one. We arrive at Railey West, which sucks for some people in our group who had just moved from Railey West to Ton Sai, specifically to rock climb.

We walk the path to Railay East and see a bunch of climbers already set up. There are (I don’t know anything about rock climbing so excuse the terminology) a bunch of pegs signifying different courses. It becomes clear this is more of an open area than it is Basecamp's spot.

One instructor asks if anyone needs to know how to "tie the knot". Ian and I and one other girl learn. It’s super easy. This would be the first and last of all the instruction for the day.

We don’t get separated by experience, even though everyone signed up for different classes (and therefore some paid different rates.) None of the instructors tell us how to climb or what to expect. We don't have helmets. The guy that shows us how to tie the knot looks at us and asks who’s going first.

Ian goes first. Ian makes everything look easy, but this first climb was tough. There was a point where he almost turned around, but at last, he succeeded. A smellier Ian descended the rope.

The girl who pretended not to know how to tie the rope ran up the course like a monkey. She disclosed she rock-climbs on weekends. Ewwwwww.

"Is it normal to climb a 50ft course for your first run? Any safety tips I should know about?” = things I didn’t ask. Instead I turned to the crowd and said, "It's my first time!" to no applause.

My next sentence would come from about fifteen feet up. "OK, let me down now!”

Of course, the instructor won't let me down at first request. I am totally regretting putting sunscreen all over my body, as I am slick as a slug. I didn't know I had a chalk bag on my harness at this point, and I'm using my knees to climb (apparently a big no-no in climbing). I'm all kinds of clueless. I struggle about five feet higher when my belayer loses hope. He lets me down and I smile to the crowd until Ian yells at me to keep my feet towards the rock so I don't hit my head. Possibly a tip I could have used from an instructor?

The rest of the time is kind of a free for all— we just wait in line to climb courses we pick with ropes set up by Basecamp. Independent groups have their courses right up against ours, and some of them overlap. The courses aren't rated by difficulty and all the climbing guides have different opinions. It seems the Basecamp courses are particularly tough. I only climbed two routes.

At around 1PM a Basecamp employee asks us if we're done. Since I didn't run the program, I wasn't sure... -_-... The employee then says "Ok, for half day class you are done. There is no boat back. You need to return to Basecamp on Ton Sai and bring my equipment back."

So there we were, in the heat of the 95 degree day, tasked with walking/hiking/rock climbing our own way back to Ton Sai, with not only our gear we were wearing/renting, but with gear from the communal climbing that needed to be returned.

We made it back, and instead of climbing around the coral between Railey West and Ton Sai, we did 20 minute jungle climb route. We lug everything back to Basecamp and collapse back at our bungalow. ONE STAR.

We think we've had enough of Ton Sai and decide to go elsewhere. Except for major hotels, everywhere only accepts cash. There is no ATM on Ton Sai, so we needed to go back to Railey West to get cash before booking our transportation to another island. We were too pooped to go back to Railey West once we figured this out. This gave us an extra day before being able to book transportation for the following day, so we were lazy for two days.

The two extra days are spent watching everyone be a super-human around us.

We climbed up some bamboo ladders to the Ton Sai lookout point (at low tide):

 

After a day at the beach, it's funny to come home to our laundry on display for all to see:

The best food we ate in Ton Sai was at a place called "Mama's Chicken", not to be confused with "Mama's Kitchen" on Railey East where the last 10 posts on Trip Advisor have a food poisoning warning. Mama's CHICKEN was delicious and cheap and where all the backpackers ate their dinner. The chicken was OK, but the Thai dishes were gold.

Another great restaurant was Ton Sai Bay Resort, which is really the last remaining restaurant/bar on the actual beach. (Every bar/bungalow that was beach-side has been demolished to make way for a giant Sheraton, and the locals aren't happy.) Here is where the base-jumpers would show off at sunset. They climbed the cliff right above the restaurant and would jump over our food. 

One of the "sights" from Ton Sai is the group of islands right off the beach. The islands form what somebody thinks looks like an (American) Indian laying on his back with his arms folded over his chest:

At night we enjoyed the fire shows at our bungalow: 

The best bonus from staying on Ton Sai these extra days was the bioluminescent plankton we swam with at night. I had read about the snorkeling tours to other bays where you could swim with these magical lights, but deep into my research I saw Ton Sai was one of the best spots in the world for it.

It was the 18th and 19th of February, Chinese New Year's Eve and New Year, when the moon was GONE. We snuck away from the parties at the bungalows and walked to the beach. It was pitch black and totally empty. I swam with just a whistle around my neck (for safety), otherwise in the buff. 

We were absolutely giddy when we saw the lights! Bioluminescent plankton only spark when they are irritated, so we only saw the bright blue/teal diamonds when we moved. I can only describe it like this: Have you ever pointed at a lightning cloud during a storm, hoping it lighting would strike at that exact moment? It felt like when that moment works out. We thrashed around like idiots for the full effect, and it was as if magic dust was shooting from our fingertips. Definitely two nights to remember.

Ton Sai, D39-40: Hiking the Beaches, Penis Shrine & Kayaking

So it's obvious that everyone on Ton Sai is an uber-athlete. Everywhere we look we see hot bods, climbing gear and yoga mats. It's more backpacker-esque than nearby Railey (or Rai Leh), though there are a few random families that booked here for a deal. Railey seems to have the better beaches and is highlighted on a lot of island-hopping tours. 

To get from Ton Sai to Railey we had to, of course, rock climb around the beach when the tide was out. It was slippery and sharp and it made me think that people who own watershoes aren’t total buffoons. It takes us about 20 minutes to get to Railey West. Once there, we jump in the water. Since Railey is on the island hopping trips, you can observe boat after boat letting their passengers off, and then recollecting them in about an hour. The beach is pretty full.

There are a few paths cutting through the peninsula that leads us to Railey East. I stayed on Railey East in 2009 on a Thailand excursion with my best friend Heather. We booked East because we were either (A) trying to save a buck or (B) swindled into thinking it was Railay West. Either way, Railay East doesn’t really have a beach at all. It’s still relatively expensive to stay at (we heard around $65 a night), but you’re not too far from Phra Nang beach.

After Ian indulged my "Heather and I" stories on Railey East, we headed to Phra Nang. The walk to Phra Nang is an easy path with a bunch of monkeys on it. The monkeys are conditioned to beg for food and sometimes steal your things. They climb on the tourists' backs and then take their hats or sunglasses and will only relinquish them if they're offered food or cash. They're everywhere and they aren't shy. We even saw one monkey making shrieking, horrifying love to another. Special.

Phra Nang Beach is said to be one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. Heather and I happened upon it randomly one September afternoon, and it was so uninhabited in 2009 that we even sunbathed topless. Today, even I’m not that big of an exhibitionist:

Phra Nang 2009 Vs. 2015

While the water was warm and the scenery was beautiful, it was much more crowded than I had anticipated. I think I know the main draw:

  
There are now two caves (in 2009 there was only one) full of penis carvings and paintings of all sizes. I've read that fishermen donate to this shrine to win the drowned princess's (Phra Nang's) favor, and women pay their respects to increase fertility. Tourists line up to take dick pics, and I only took 100 because my phone ran out of space.

The next day we do a similar route but by kayak. It was $9 for a 4-hour rental. It was really lovely kayaking the lengths of the beaches. The limestone cliffs had many caves hidden away from the public which made for a total private snorkeling experience. We went from cove to cove and enjoyed the warm blue water and all the little fish that didn't seem afraid of us.

There were some hair-raising parts of our trip- mainly when longtails full of island hoppers sped by us. The boats seemed to have water highways, so we had to really hurry and play aqua-Frogger to cross their paths.

We saw a ton of other couples kayaking as well, and it seemed every time we passed them they were in some sort of argument. It was a hot day and after clicking oars a few times I saw how it could go. Ian and I were champs, though, and we thoroughly enjoyed the view (and workout).

Ton Sai from the Kayak

Something that has been omitted from all the guidebooks and articles online, is that the tide is a bitch. The difference between high tide and low tide is so drastic that you have to plan your day around it. Especially on shallow beaches that have more coral/rocks (like Ton Sai), you have very few hours of enjoying the water. When the level is highest, the water laps at the roots of the jungle trees, leaving no beach at all. When the level is lowest, you have to walk out 150+ feet over slimy, sharp coral to touch the water. We began out kayak adventure just pushing off into the water. We ended by dragging it across coral for 50 feet. 

Ton Sai "Beach" at Low Tide

The best part of staying in the climber-mecca was the massages! We went to Dream Massage three nights of our six-night stay, where the ladies massaged from morning until 10PM. They were some of the best and strongest masseuses I have ever had. One-hour oil massage for $6. It's nice to feel kneaded.

Bangkok to Krabi, D38: Valentine's Day on Ton Sai

The few days we had in Bangkok were spent eating yogurt and swallowing Imodium pills-- I won't get into details but apparently I wasn't fully recovered from food poisoning (or could I have got it again?). The important thing was to get to the beach for Valentine's Day. Next stop, Krabi!

We take a cab from our Bangkok hotel to DMK airport. (BKK is the big international airport, and DMK is great for snagging cheap domestic flights). Ian is full of facts and tells me on the way that DMK is the oldest airport in Thailand, built in 1914. Somehow knowing I'm flying out of the oldest airport makes me nervous. I hate flying. I read the news too much. I text Aleye details for my funeral (there will be strippers). 

We fly Thai Lion Air, who's motto is "We MAKE People Fly"... seems a bit aggressive to me. They confiscate my weapon (electric fly swatter) and I nearly cry.

The flight is smooth and the airline magazine is riddled with hilarious bad translations:

We make it to the Krabi airport and take a bus to Ao Nang. Nothing transportation-wise is dedicated to a schedule. Busses, boats, and the like, wait until they've reached max capacity before leaving. Of course, the max capacity number that is posted is treated like a loose suggestion. We wait until the bus is full and then some, and once there are people filling the aisle we head out.

On the bus I ask Ian what he wants for Valentine's Day, giving a flirty leg rub and a wink. He says an electric fly swatter.

In Ao Nang we scour the beach markets for his gift. On the lucky 100th try, we find one! We're not trying to mess around here-- we got Dengue Fever in 2011 and I dare say it's worse than food poisoning. It was worth the hunt and $5.

Time to celebrate Valentine's Day! Though we're not on the beach yet, we're starving and we sit for a late VDay lunch. I order Pad Thai and Ian gets fried rice with chicken and pineapple. Meal comes: Ian has no chicken and my pad thai noodles aren't cooked. In fact, the server sees me trying to rip a noodle apart and feels so bad she takes the pad thai off the check. Can I stress that this NEVER happens in Thailand? They don't have the customer is always right type of attitude and they rarely modify a meal to your taste. We shared Ian's rice until the last bite, where we found a black hair. Minor strike-out.

Ok, to the pier! We buy our longtail boat tickets to the beach of Ton Sai where we're staying. (We wait an hour until at least ten other people buy tickets, because again, they don't transport people, they herd them.) Actually, it's called a pier but it's just where boats pick you up. There is no actual pier, and to get on the boats you have to walk into the water and climb up the side ladder. We walk out to the boat and the water is so warm and magical that you forget you're dragging your bags through it. The ride is 100 baht a person ($3) and is probably the most romantic part of our day. 

Land, ho! Ton Sai is a beautiful little beach around the corner from the super-popular Rai Leh beach. We're staying at the "Chillout Bar and Bungalows", a spot a little more expensive than accommodations surrounding ($22usd/night) but has a great courtyard known for circus tricks and daily fire shows. On this tiny beach, it's the place to be.

We're greeted by cool-guy Aun who shows us to our room. He drips Thai swagger and I get the feeling he creeps on single travelers. He jokingly takes us to a demolished outdoor shower and tells us that's our room. HA-HA! Then he brings us to our real place and says "Make your home, come down and smoke bamboo weed." I knew he was cool.

Our room is a hut on a raised platform. It's super cute but really dark inside, and most of the space is taken up by the bed with a mosquito net around it. The baseboards are unsteady and there are some with one-inch gaps in between. You're never fully inside in the jungle. The electricity is only on from 6pm to 2am, which means no fan just yet. But it's 95 degreessssss.

 

Rustic, Yeah?

There's one shelf and I claim it for my clothes. The rest of the stuff goes on the ground. Our home is made. What was step 2 again?

Layers of bug repellant and spf 50 are applied, and we head down to the chill out area. There's a slackline set up so Ian jumps on. He unluckily cuts his big toe on a rock, and goes back to our hut to rinse it with Listerene. He comes back and we walk the small beach town. Almost every bar is a Marley bar where we're offered joints and "happy cookies" and "magic mushroom milkshakes". We have a drink here and there and head back to our place for dinner. 

We start to notice something: EVERYONE here is ripped. Like, actually ripped. Hunks, hot bods, and sexy all around. Is this Temptation Island or a gay beach? We see a Hercules-like 65 year old with a long shaggy white beard and the most pronounced six pack I've ever seen; we call him "Hot God". 

It doesn't take long to realize this is the beach for the uber-athletes. First and foremost, it's a rock climber's paradise-- the limestone caves and cliffs are ideal for climbing, and people come from all over the world come to climb the courses here. You can take beginner lessons or buy week-long trekking/climbing packages. "Deep Water Soloing (DWS)", where you pretty much defy gravity and climb upside-down not using any ropes, is also a huge draw. Every night at at sunset we see acro-yoga that rivals Cirque du Soleil. Above us, you can hear hoots and hollers from base jumpers, deploying their parachutes right over our dinner. 

Me Deep-Water Soloing

Wowza. Turned on by the beauty surrounding us and the "happy cookie" starting to kick in, we head back to our room to consummate the holiday. First we jump in the shower to get off all the sunscreen. The shower has a bunch of mosquitos floating around and the ground is filled with ginormous jungle ants surrounding the spot Ian rinsed his cut with Listerene. I frantic-splash water on me and go into the main room, leaving Ian to battle the intruders. 

I remember I have an open bag of dried bananas in my backpack on the floor, so I move the bag so not to attract bugs. I pick it up and put it on the shelf with my clothes just in time to see a three-inch long cockroach crawl out. IANNNNNNNNN! Forget the ants, we have a bigger problem here.

We're both naked and Ian's new task is to get rid of the roach milling about my clothes. He has the fly zapper, but, come on. He grabs the bag from atop my clothes and throws it on the ground and smashes it with the racket a few times. Deemed safe, he hands the bag to me and starts to look in my clothes.

(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, there was only one working light in the room, that only kind of worked. It worked the way that lights in scary movies flicker right before a murder. It really set the scene for what happened next.)

While I was looking at my beautiful clothes, scared that any second a big roach would come crawling out, I felt something on my neck. I gasp, but then I realized I was just standing underneath a clothesline that had our towel on it. OMG, phew, just the towel. I relax enough to see the three-inch roach crawl out of the bag, down my hand, and run the length of my leg. I screamed a scream that Ian says is only appropriate if I'm being murdered by a doll. The roach ran through the floorboards. Problem solved?

The ants were still in the bathroom and it was looking like a battle we couldn't win. We used the Listerene in lieu of brushing and called it a night. We try to close the curtains and they fall down. We are epically failing. 

The night is filled with the sweet battle cries of cats and monkeys. A Valentine's Day to remember.

Happy ValenTIE Day!