Ubud, Bali D60: Hiking Mount Batur

Mount Batur is an active volcano on the northeast part of Bali. At 5,633 feet, it is one of the highest points on the island and offers epic views from the peak. Because it's typically hot as hell in Bali, the best way to hike the volcano is very early in the morning to catch the sunrise.

"Inspiring!" ... "The best time of our lives!" ... "Pure magic!" read the reviews. See for yourself:

etc., etc.

We wake up at 1:40AM and get ready. At 2AM we meet two Canadians, Adam and Vinay, who will be trekking with us. We go downstairs to see Wayan and he's very cheery for 2AM. I love him!

We drive about an hour and a half to the base of the volcano. It's pitch black for most of the route, and Wayan's headlights shine back from the eyes of dogs wishing to be reincarnated. It's a beautiful clear night, and without any city lights the stars shine especially brightly. As we get close to our destination, we notice the ground is wet, signifying a recent rain.

Hmm, OK. So it may be slippery.

Once at the base of the volcano, a guide is waiting for us. He gives us each a flashlight he calls "your torch", and gives Ian a decidedly hairy eyeball for wearing a t-shirt. He highly recommends Ian rent a jacket from him, and Ian reluctantly does for 50,000RP. 

About one and a half minutes (MAX) into our hike, it starts to rain. Let's see... I heard it would be cold so I'm wearing sweatpants, legwarmers, a thermal long sleeve, a cotton hoodie and my Dakine backpack-- NONE of which are waterproof. What I should have brought (but was left in the comfort of our hotel) was... oh I don't know, a poncho, rain jacket, our waterproof bag... 

I put our cellphones in our bag of granola and hope that keeps them dry.

It's just a drizzle in the beginning. I get steamy-hot from the condensation and the 100% humidity. The jacket Ian rented isn't waterproof; in fact, it's nice absorbent cotton lined with wool, and it's weighing on him. 

About thirty minutes into the trek, the weather goes from a drizzle to a steady, insistent rain. The volcano is steep here (and for the rest of the way). Lunge for the bunz.

Everyone online says this is an easy trek... They're liars or fitness freaks. "Moderate" is a better description. "Difficult when raining" is on-point. We're all fit enough to get up this mountain, but I would not recommend that an older person or pregnant woman try this. "Easy" is a selling point, not an accurate description. Luckily Adam, Vinay, Ian and I are all of similar athletic ability. We don't ever ask to stop and we keep a steady pace, passing other trekkers on the way up. Suckas.

An hour in, the volcano is steepest, and the path we're climbing is sharp, porous, lava rock from an eruption in 1968. The rain is now torrential. 

The next thirty minutes are the worst thirty minutes of hiking I've ever done. The wind has picked up, and without any trees to protect us (since lava destroyed them), we are facing a windchill. It is absolutely pouring from every direction, and now it's completely freezing. To make matters worse, a river of water is making its way down the volcano, through our path. We are ankle deep, slogging against the current and still ascending. 

We see a little tin hut with some people huddled around. We join them under the eaves. The roof provides about one foot of coverage against the rain, but when the wind blows it does nothing. We start to see lightning. We stand there, getting molested by the storm, and the lightning crashes closer.

Ohhhhhhhh, tin and lightningggg. So THIS is how I die in Indonesia!

Our guide tells us we need to keep going. He knows of another hut twenty minutes up. It's either die here or die there, so like... whatever. We proceed. This part is the newest hardest hike of my life. 

We make it to another hut made of corrugated tin and thatch. An old woman who resembles Skeletor walks around the side of the shack. Our guide tells us this is her shop. Shop? "Go inside and have coppee," he says.

You never know what your guardian angel will look like, and on the verge of death, you can't be picky: 

Skeletora lights a fire in a corner - not in a stove or anything, just sort of over there - and heats up some water. The hut can't be bigger than 8ft by 5ft. Though smoke instantly fills the room, the heat does not radiate any farther than right up against the fire. I crouch close to the flames until the skopkeeper tosses in a bunch of plastic bags and I think maybe I'll sit back.

The instant coffee is a godsend. We're all soaked and miserable. We're charged 25,000RP per glass, which is crazy expensive but we could all agree we would have paid $25,000USD at this point.  

An Indonesian girl comes in WAILING. She shivers - loudly - and sits next to me saying "I am not strong. I am so weak. I am not strong. (NOISES.)" Though I 100% agree she is a puss, I tell her she'll be OK and I hug her for warmth.  

We're ahead of schedule so we have an hour to kill before sunrise. We stay inside and just try to keep... living. 

  

I can't feel my hands. Weird, but I figure my body must be in shock. Adam says he's starting to get sleepy, which is Ian's cue to shuffle us all outside. Good ol' EMT Ian then explains to us that we have just been exposed to an unhealthy amount of carbon monoxide from the indoor fire. All of our lips are blue. 

You know what else is blue? The sky. The sun rose and changed the sky from darkness to a monochromatic, opaque light blue. ZERO VISIBILITY. 

WE DID IT?!?

(fake smiles)

Our guide asks if we want to see another lookout point, only an hour farther to trek. The boys try not to laugh in his face as I'm already booking it back down the volcano. 

On the way down our guide shows us there are a few warm spots on the volcano where hot air escapes. Some guides cook eggs in the heat for their trekkers. We warm our hands for a second and head back... I cannot get down this mountain fast enough!

About halfway down Batur we finally have some visibility. With a lot of editing you can see where the lava flow cooled and formed ridges on the mountain:

After the ride back and a warm shower, my lips are still blue. This is 3.5 hours AFTER we had reached the bottom of the volcano: 

So yeah, we almost died from lightning and hypothermia and carbon monoxide poisoning and all, but at least I got this sick pic:

Ubud, Bali D59: Temples, Terraces & Trance

Puspa greets us at breakfast; he gives us the "I am the Puspa, welcome to my home" spiel. Any hotel is glad to help you book various activities (since they get some type of commission), and Puspa is no exception. I'm a planner, so I had already made an itinerary of things I wanted to do. I had researched what companies to use and knew what prices were offered. I was a little skeptical of Puspa's offering at first, but Puspa would call the companies and set up our schedule without charging any additional fees. This is so rare and SO welcomed!

We hadn't planned anything for this particular Saturday, so he offered we have Wayan take us around to the temples. You can't really walk to the temples from where we're staying, and although we can rent motorbikes ANYWHERE, it is technically illegal. Since we'd need a driver to take us around, we were happy to be in Wayan's hands once more. The price was 750,000RP for Wayan to be our private driver and tour guide for 8-10 hours. 

"One thing," Puspa says. "You're not having your woman problem, right? You can't have your problem and go to temples." Woman problem? Does he mean the wage gap? Oh, no, he means my PERIOD. Only Hindus and 14 year old boys think periods are a problem. I wasn't having my "problem" so we were good.

Wayan meets us shortly and off we go to the first temple, Goa Gajah, AKA the "Elephant Cave". The main thing to see at Goa Gajah is the entrance to the Elephant Cave, named so because people thought the face looked like an elephant (I don't see it). 

The other sight is the bathing temple, built to ward off evil spirits.

The topography surrounding the cave and bathing temple is nothing short of magical-- there's just nothing like it in America. It was built in the 9th century, and the builders had the foresight to incorporate modern draining and irrigation techniques, which have preserved the layout of the temple for centuries.  Ancient jungle flair is everywhere. I totally see where movie set designers get their inspiration. Everything from the dew-dripping vines to the moss growing on the stones looks unreal. 

There's a little Buddhist temple hidden in the Goa Gajah area. We find a lady inside who (age-wise) looks like she helped build the temple. She has two teeth and she motions us towards her with an "uhh" sound. She blesses us, showers us with holy water and sticks rice on our foreheads. Then, with all her holy might, she points to money. Yeah, OK, we can't give back the rice on our heads so we pony up.

When we arrive at the second temple, Gunung Kawi, we get out of the car and instantly a lady hands me an umbrella and a man hands Ian one. They start tying sarongs on us before Wayan tells them to "buzz off" in Indonesian. They were trying to dress us before we could realize what was happening, then they would have charged us for their services. While you're allowed to enter the temples without a guide, I'd highly recommend hiring one to avoid getting taking advantage of in these situations.

Walking in and out of both of these temples, the streets are lined with vendors. A lot of shops are even set up inside the holy grounds, which felt like buying a beer-koozie in church.  There are even money-changers inside the temple... Jesus would have thrown a fit. When we had first walked up to Goa Gajah and a lady asked if I wanted a sarong, I said "No thank you." In a hushed voice Wayan tells me to not even acknowledge these women, for it encourages everyone to bully you in to buying things. Solid advice. 

Gunung Kawi is a huge, 11th-century temple complex that the Pakerison River runs through. It has ten 23ft shrines cut into rock. The shrines are dedicated to King Anak Wungsu and his queen and sons. 

 

There are many tombs surrounding the shrines, some obvious and some off the beaten path; some Wayan hadn't even seen, so the tourists became the tour guides! The little tombs are for the King's many wives, and nicer ones are thought to be for the King and his concubines (scandalous!).

 

Again there is a small Buddhist temple for meditation. No bribe-blessing here, though.

We watch some wood-carvers work to restore the temple. They said it takes them a whole day to carve about ten inches worth of shrine. 

Before:

After:

To get to the main Gunung Kawi shrines, you have to walk down 371 steep and slippery steps. It's admittedly much easier to walk down than up. Ian and I walked back up with no problem, Ian taking two steps at a time. It was Wayan who asked us to take a break. "What sports do you do for exercise?" he asked. Ian tries not to flex while explaining his active lifestyle. 

We decide to go to a luwak coffee farm next, and Wayan pulls into a gift shop on the way. Wayan said if I wanted a sarong it was better to buy one at this shop than with the scammers at the temples. I didn't really want to buy a sarong at all, but I knew that I would have to keep renting them if I didn't own one, and that soon adds up to more than the cost of a sarong itself. HOWEVER, I'm fully aware drivers take tourists to their friends' shops to get a cut of the purchase price, so I can only hope Wayan isn't trying to make extra money off of me. Since I had been to the Ubud Market the day before, I knew the asking price for a sarong was 20,000RP ($1.60). I see the exact same sarong and I ask how much.

THIS BITCH asks me for $20USD for the identical sarong from the market. I told her no way, I knew they were worth 20,000RP. Wayan says something to her in Indonesian and she begrudgingly says, "OK, 25,000RP final price." In 20 seconds she went from $20USD to $2USD, and I can only assume Wayan told her I'm no dummy. Yes, he's SO legit! 

Now to the highlight of the day: Drinking something an animal pooped out. #dreamscometrue. Read about it here: http://herroasia.blogspot.com/2015/03/ubud-d60-drinking-cat-poo-chino.html

After our delicious snacky-poo, we head to a few lookout points in Ubud. Currently, most people who live in Ubud work in tourism, but years ago rice-farming was the way of life. 

Mt. Agung, the largest volcano on the island is in the distance.

The best view of the rice terraces is from Tegalalang, and the people who live there know it. You're charged to drive up to nice lookout points, though it seems highly unlikely that the people charging you own the land or the road. Whenever we get out of the car, little kids try to sell us postcards of what we're seeing. The beauty is right before us, though, and the pictures we take are postcard worthy themselves.

Then there's this guy. If you Google Tegalalang (as I did for the spelling), his picture pops up. 

He's a vet at handing people his prop and asking for money. I gave him 5,000RP to take this adorable pic of my man:

Meeeowww. Now that's postcard worthy. 

We end the day by going to a traditional Kecak Fire and Trance show. The website says it starts at 7:30PM. It's 7:20PM when we arrive, so right on time! Except... we hear the performance going on. I ask the man selling tickets when it started. He says, "Just started," because he's a big fat liar and I hate him.

We each pay 75,000RP ($6) to enter the show. We realize it must have started at 7PM, as they were finishing up the main dance, labeled on the pamphlet as "The Performance". The Performance is a five-act story of good vs. evil, and we entered on the fifth act. Rude.

The performance is OK to atrocious, depending on which one of us you ask. We were a little off put by missing the beginning. We  had already read on wikipedia that the performance was created for western tourists, so we take its authenticity with a grain of salt. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kecak)

There are four actors who use gibberish and dance to tell the story while thirty men surround them and make a chorus. The sea of men have minimal arm movements choreographed to their chant, and they repeat "tukka-tukka, tukka-tukka" over and over. The other two performances include two girls who dance with their eyes closed (in a trance) and a man who rides a fake pony and kicks around fire. The show ended at 8:15PM. 

The pamphlet didn't mention the other part of the performance: the audience. We sat behind a guy who recorded the whole performance on his iPhone AND GoPro. So many tourists took pictures with sound AND flash. In the front row, a Japanese family passed back and forth a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Maybe Times Square movie audiences aren't so bad...

Pass the KFC

Ubud D59: Drinking a Cat-POO-Chino

Guys! Guys! I finally got to drink something an animal pooped out! Dreams are coming true left and right!

Wayan pulls into the Satria Coffee Farm and we expect very little. There are many roadside stands where we could get luwak coffee, so we kind of figured this was just like any other. Boy, were we surprised!

First, you walk down a trail that has an amazing garden on either side. I wouldn't have noticed any of the plants had Wayan not stopped to educate us, but we passed mangosteen, peppercorn, pineapple, coconut trees, jackfruit, vanilla, chilies, papaya, cinnamon, snakefruit, palms, etc. and, of course, coffee trees.

The trail leads you up to cages where you get to see the luwaks (also known as civets). They are a little larger than house cats, and they have long, sharp nails and wide pupils. They're calm during the day but apparently very aggressive at night. On top of the cage you see a case with what looks like Baby Ruths inside.

 

The next stop on the trail is a table with different spices cultivated from the garden. We touch and sniff.

Stop number three has a bunch of friendly workers waiting for you, and an old woman roasting some coffee beans. One of the workers would be our guide for the rest of our stay at Satria. She educates us on the difference between male and female coffee beans, and then explains the process of roasting and crushing the beans before getting into the process of extracting and cleaning the poop beans. 

The old woman lets us stir (we=free labor). 

 

Our new coffee guide (didn't get her name) walks us over to long tables overlooking the jungle. She tells us to sit and wait for a minute while she comes back with samples for us. She returns with tea and coffee samples, explains the benefits of each of them and places them on this placemat so we remember which type was which:
  

This was a FREE SAMPLING. In fact, the entire time we were at the farm we weren't pressured to buy a thing.

The only sample missing was the luwak coffee ("kopi luwak" in Basa Indonesian), which can be purchased for 50,000RP/cup. The coffee is known as "the most expensive coffee in the world," which is the reason a sample can't be given for free. We gladly order one to have alongside our samples, judging the flavor versus the regular Bali coffee .

Spoiler: it's not great. It doesn't actually taste like shit, but it's not delicious. It tastes like a very strong and bitter espresso. We were surprised to find there is little caffeine in luwak coffee because the cats extract it during fermentation. Instead, the luwak coffee has more protein. Why drink strong-tasting coffee without the benefit of the kick?

 

Anyway, we hang out for a bit. There's a jar with organic apple tobacco on the table, complete with rolling papers and matches inside. You're encouraged to try their tobacco for free, too. There's another jar with sugared peanuts we're encouraged to try. Then there's a jar labeled "Cat Poo". We didn't have anything from this jar.

After relaxing for a bit we head to the gift shop. It's reasonably priced, though the cat-poo-chino mixes are expensive. 

Overall I highly recommend that if you are in Ubud you go to the Satria Coffee farm. The experience was amazing. They're nice, they're organic and they even remind you that Jack Nicholson drinks luwak coffee in The Bucket List. 
(Check them out: http://www.satriaagrowisata.baliklik.com)