Rosie and Ian's Southeast Asia Adventure: Ubud D65: The Lotus Treatment (Vagina Steam)

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,

I took your advice and got a V-STEAM because I think it makes to total sense to get vagina advice from a blog named GOOP.

There are all kinds of massages to get in Bali-- some you'd find in any old US parlor and others that are more... err, unique. These unique massages are said to be of Balinese tradition, and they're touted for their ancient healing properties that you can't find anywhere else (just kidding Gwyn! You probably know a million exclusive locations to find ancient healing properties). If you're lucky, you and your sore yoni will stumble upon this:

After riding all day on the pointy seat Bali on Bike provided, I was bowleggin' around town. But, hey! Relief was just a fog away.

I enter Tulasi Dewi and point at the Lotus Treatment. "Can I do this?" The two girls look at each other and giggle. I think the treatment is less popular than the oil massage.

One of the girls says "OK, you're sure? It will be hot." Yeah, I'm sure! Anything for investigative journalism, amiright?

I wait a few minutes on the couch as she prepares the throne. I start to get cold feet, but it's not like they can burn her off... right?

I undress waist-down and I'm given a sarong to wear. I walk through the massage complex to the garden where my Healing Throne awaits. It looks a lot like a box with a toilet cushion on top. Underneath, embers of herbs are glowing.

Here she is, conveniently placed next to employee parking:

I lift the sarong and sit with my gal open to the heat. It tingles. It's warm and it feels soothing. Every once in a while, condensation on the beave drips back down on the embers, making for a fantastic sizzle and heat wave. I'm on the hot-pot for 45 minutes, giggling at the steam rising from under my sarong.

My masseuse tells me this is a traditional Balinese practice that women in her culture get before their wedding (sort of like a bottomless brunch in our culture, Gwyn). It's to clean the flower, make her smell nice and tighten her up. I'm suspicious of the healing powers of herbs, but I'm already doing this, so I nod earnestly, like a Paltrow.

Time to move to phase 2: the herbal bath.

A bucket of hot water and herbs is poured into a bathtub and I'm told to soak for 15 minutes. Instead of lavender and roses, I'm soaking with lemongrass and ginger roots and what seems to be a lot of... bark.

I'm curious. What has happened down there? I feel.

This is weird. I SWEAR that all that which is normally tight is... almost sealed. Could this be?

The bath is soothing, though I'm mystified at how down-there has changed. After 15 minutes I towel off and meet my masseuse once more. She has some news for me:

"All done! You are a virgin again!"

I'm shocked. The look I give her is like, "WHO, ME?" She nods, points to my bits and says, "I hope your fiance like it."

I skipped home to find out.

Ten stars.