Ubud D61: Paon Cooking Class

A driver picks us up at The Puspa. His name? Wayan, of course! He takes us and a few others to start our day at the Ubud Market.

The Ubud Market looks totally different than when we first came. From 4AM-10AM it's a food market for locals, then at 10AM it turns over to a gifts and crafts market for suckers. 

Wayan is our tour guide for the first part of class. He takes us to different stands and explains the fruits, vegetables, spices and cooking tools that are unique to Bali. He tells us that every market has a temple, and everyone who sells stuff makes an offering before they're open for business. 

Unlike when we took the cooking class in Thailand, we don't actually buy our ingredients at this market. Wayan said this is because the Paon Cooking School doesn't want you to get "Bali Belly" AKA food poisoning. He can ensure our food at the school is grown organically and washed properly, so for that, the stop at the market is for educational purposes only. 

Next we ride out to the rice fields. Wayan explains the life cycle of rice, which is interesting because... who thinks twice about rice? (Maybe you have. Maybe you've seen cranberries grow on water and pineapples sprout from a bush. I'm an eat-first, ask-questions-never kind of gal.)

Rice has to be planted in water underneath compost grass for two weeks. In those two weeks, the rice will grow ten centimeters. The farmer takes the seedlings and plants his entire field within one or two days, ensuring the field matures evenly. 

Before the pods are ready to harvest, they are green with a milky or powdery substance inside. Once they are yellow, they are the hard rice that we know. The farmers use the Grim Reaper's sickle to harvest the yellow pods. The rice is then dried one or two days, taken out of the skin and steamed. 

From there the fields are left as-is until the rice springs a second grow. The second grow is less reliable, so it's not harvested for eating. Instead, ducks are let on the fields to fertilize for three or four days. The remaining rice is cleared, and the process starts all over.

Stop sleeping, it's actually cool!

After the rice fields we're driven to the Paon Cooking School- definitely a rich person's house. We're greeted with frozen lemonade drinks and have a welcome speech by the owner of the school. (I totally forgot his name... probably Wayan.) His wife, Puspa, would be teaching the class today.

The greeting was really interesting. The owner explained that the layout of a Balinese house is built in relation to a compass. The temple is in one direction, and then there is a kitchen, discussion room, grandparents house, etc. All the houses in Bali are the same, though this is a mansion compared to others. 

I don't know how we got into it, but the owner told us interesting bits about having a newborn: you bury the placenta in front of the grandparent's room, prevent the child from touching the ground for the first six weeks, keep a piece of the child's umbilical cord around its neck for three months, and then take the child to a medicine man who will inspect it for birthmarks and tell you what the child's past life was like. They all do this. Mind=blown.

Other interesting things: you sleep in your grandparents room the night before your wedding, you never move because your ancestors live in your temple, and you're not allowed to go to bed without talking your problems out with each other.

No segue here- the man looks at his watch, we gotta start cooking! We're moved to a courtyard that overlooks the jungle. There are a few long tables for cooking and a few long tables for eating. Everyone gets coffee or tea, and is dressed with an apron and hand towel.

Puspa introduces herself and gives us the itinerary for the day. She's the first to mention she got her MBA, which means she was Married By Accident (points to belly). We hear this expression a lot on the rest of our trip. 

Before getting started, Puspa asks if anyone has any allergies. "I'm allergic to fish, shrimp, all crustaceans, (names everything in the ocean), and I have an EpiPen just in case-- but someone will have to give it to me!" says an over-enthusiastic lunatic. She goes into detail about what happens to her if she eats these things. EAT THEM ALREADY.

Puspa looks around. "Anyone else? Anyone?" Ten-second delay. "OK, let's move--"

"I'm ALSO allergic to fish," blurts someone who decided she didn't want to eat fish that day. 

Puspa reveals the menu for the day: clear mushroom and vegetable soup, yellow sauce, chicken in coconut curry, minced chicken grilled on bamboo sticks (sate), vegetables in peanut sauce, coconut and snake bean salad, steamed tuna in banana leaves, deep-fried tempe (tofu) in sweet soy sauce, and boiled banana in palm sugar syrup.

Next we're briefed on the ingredients we will use. Everything is washed and beautifully displayed. It all needs to be prepared, so cutting boards and mortars and pestles are brought out. Everyone prepares one or two items for the class. They asked if I wanted an easy job or a hard one... and guess what I said? I cut mushrooms.

We're then called to the courtyard to see how the yellow curry paste is traditionally made. It's mushed in a huge mortar and pestle, and we all take turns churning... except for one guy. This guy was enormous and red-faced with boogers visible for the entirety of class. His wife points at him and says, "He hasn't gone yet!" He refuses. They were SO going to have a discussion about this later...

We go back to the prep tables and see that stoves had been hiding under the wood table tops. You pair up (I choose Ian!) and start "cooking". 

"Starrrtttt yourrrr heennnggiiinneesss!!"

The kitchen helpers have already plated individual portions of ingredients for us. The partner behind the stove stirs as the other partner dumps ingredients in when told. Bowls of sauces and spices are placed at one end of the table, and we're told to add "a spoonful of salt" a "pinch of pepper" and so on, before passing the additions down. It's an assembly line.

                

Once our food is deemed ready, we combine what we cooked with everyone else. 

EW. I side-glare at a sniveling Boogers McGee. Big-man next to us is sweating profusely and leaning over his skillet. I hear a girl say "Oops, I thought it was a tablespoon, not a pinch!"Hmph. I don't want to share!

Needless to say, I did not like this aspect of class. There was no way of customizing your portion to your liking, and it's disheartening to know your feast is in the hands of someone who wouldn't even help mash the curry paste!

We make chicken sate and tuna in banana leaves. They also get combined.  Boo. I'm annoyed because ours were perfect and others' were not. I wanted to yell "YOU'RE BEING CARELESS, GRANDMA!" and if you're a millennial you'll get this reference.

So we chop one or two ingredients, heat some things in pans, wrap some meat on sticks and roll some fish in leaves. The helpers do the real cooking while we take a relaxing break. I want to wander around the house but I'm afraid I'll step on a placenta.

The meal is set up buffet-style. I try to find the things I made and I can't. I should have brought wine charms.

The food turned out pretty good- I definitely didn't leave hungry. We both tried everything, and we were surprised to have enjoyed things we wouldn't have normally ordered.

After our main meal, we gathered around Puspa as she cooked dessert: boiled banana in palm-sugar syrup. We didn't have a hand in this at all, but it didn't matter, it was soooo delicious. 

Strategically BEFORE we could help ourselves to dessert, Puspa ends class by asking "Did everyone have a good time?" Genius move. "THE BEST TIME EVER!" I scream-blurt, the equivalent of a guy saying "I love you" to get in your pants. Anything for dessert. 

"If you had a good time please give us five stars on Trip Advisor. If you didn't, please keep your mouth shut." 

And with that, we're given a recipe book of the day's meals and Wayan takes us home. 

(Suggested for families or couples who want a relaxing day learning how to cook traditional Balinese dishes with minimal effort. The cost was 350,000RP ($27) each as of March 2015. http://www.paon-bali.com)